50 Sheds of Grey- A parody

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However when I arrived home I was surprised to find a letter waiting for me on the dining table: `Your dinner’s in the supermarket.` I called her name but there was no reply. I searched every room until finally I found her, lying in the bath, surrounded by scented candles, reading THAT book. From that moment things would never be the same again. . .

———————

I was excited, but nervous. I’d finally been accepted into the BDSM community – Builders, Decorators and Shed Maintenance.


“Are you sure you want this? I asked. “When I`m done you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.”

She nodded.

“Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.


She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now  for the other boot. . .


“Punish me,” she cried desperately. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!”

“Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.


We tried various positions- round the back, on the side, up against a wall. . . but in the end we came to the conclusion that the bottom of the garden was the only place for a really good shed.


“I am your master,” I commanded, “You will obey my rules.” She rolled her eyes and walked out of the shed. That was definitely it – I need to get a new cat.


“No,” she sighed, gazing sadly at the large stuffed crust Hawaiian with extra cheese, “I said I`m really turned on by orders from dominants.”

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Aristotle And Dante Discover The Secrets Of The Universe by Benjamin Alire Saenz

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Right before I went in to work, I stopped off at the drugstore where Dante was working. I think I just wanted to see that he really had a job. When I walked into the drugstore, he was behind the counter, placing cigarettes on the shelf.

“Are you wearing shoes?” I said.

He smiled. I stared at his name tag. Dante Q.

“I was just thinking of you,” he said.

“Yeah?”

“Some girls came in a little while ago.”

“Girls?”

“They knew you. We got to talking.”

I knew which girls they were before he told me. “Gina and Susie,” I said.

“Yeah. They’re nice. Pretty, too. They go to school with you.”

“Yeah, they’re nice and pretty. And pushy, too.”

“They looked at my name tag. And then they looked at each other. And then one of them asked me if I knew you. I thought that if was a funny question to ask.”

“What did you tell them?”

“I told them yeah. I said you were my best friend.”

“You told them that?”

“You are my best friend.”

“Did they ask you anything else?”

“Yeah, they asked if I knew anything about an accident and you breaking your legs.”

“I can’t believe it. I can’t believe it!”

“What?”

“Did you tell them?”

“Of course I told them.”

“You told them??”

“Why are you getting mad?”

“You told them about what happened?”

“Of course I did.”

“There’s a rule, Dante.”

“You’re mad? You’re mad at me?”

“The rule was we weren’t supposed to talk about the accident.”

“Wrong. The rule was we weren’t supposed to talk about the accident with each other. The rule doesn’t apply to anyone else.”

There was a line forming behind me.

“I have to get back to work,” Dante said.

Later that afternoon, Dante called me at work. “Why are you mad?”

“I just don’t like other people to know.”

“I don’t get you, Ari.” He hung up the phone.

What I knew was going to happen, happened. Gina and Susie followed me up at the Charcoaler just as I was getting off work.

“You were telling us the truth,” Gina said.

“So what?” I said.

“So what? You saved Dante’s life.”

“Gina, let’s not talk about it.”

“Why not, Ari?” You’re a hero.” Susie Byrd had this thing in her voice.

“And how come,” Gina said, “we don’t know anything about your best friend?”

“Yeah, how come?”

I looked at both of them.

“He’s so cute. I’d have thrown myself in front of a moving car for him too.”

“Shut up, Gina,” I said.

“How come he’s such a secret?”

“He’s not a secret. He just goes to Cathedral.”

Susie had this gaga look on her face. “Cathedral boys are cute.”

“Cathedral boys suck,” I said.

“So when are we going to get to know him?”

“Never.”

“Oh, so you want him all to yourself.”

“Knock it off, Gina, you’re really pissing me off.”

“You’re really touhy about things, you know that, ari.”

“Go to hell, Gina.”

“You really don’t want us to know him, do you?”

“I don’t really care. You know where he works, go help him. Maybe that way, you’ll leave me alone.”

–  Aristotle and Dante discover the secrets of the universe.
Page 264-266

 

Hold Me Closer by David Levithan

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TINY

Love is the most common miracle. Love is always a miracle, everywhere, every time. But for us, it’s a little different. I don’t want to say it’s more miraculous- it, though. Our miracle is different because some people say it’s impossible. But let me tell you-it’s possible. Very possible.

 

Tiny leaps off the swing and lands in what seems to be a heap .

 

TINY

I fall and I fall and I fall and I fall and I fall…

 

The swing set is wheeled off, and the EX- BOYFRIENDS march onstage to the start of their song.

 

[“PARADE OF EX-BOYFRIENDS”]

CHORUS OF EX-BOYFRIENDS:

We are the parade of ex-boyfriends!

EX-BOYFRIEND #1

You’re too clingy

EX-BOYFRIEND #2

You’re too sing-y.

EX-BOYFRIEND #3

You’re so massive

EX-BOYFRIEND #4

I`m just too passive.

EX-BOYFRIEND #5

I`d rather be friends

 

EX-BOYFRIEND #6

I don’t date tight ends.

EX-BOYFRIEND #7

I found another guy.

EX-BOYFRIEND #8

I don’t have to tell you why.

EX-BOYFRIEND #9

I don’t feel the spark.

EX-BOYFRIEND #10

It was only just a lark.

EX-BOYFRIEND #11

You mean you won’t put out?

EX-BOYFRIEND #12

I can’t conquer my doubt.

EX-BOYFRIEND #13

I have other things to do.

EX-BOYFRIEND #14

I have other guys to screw.

EX-BOYFRIEND #15

Our love has all been in your head.

EX-BOYFRIEND #16

I`m worried that you’ll break my bed.

EX-BOYFRIEND #17

I think I`ll just stay home and read.

 

EX-BOYFRIEND #18

I think you’re in love with my need.

 

CHORUS OF EX-BOYFRIENDS

Tiny cooper, have no doubt:
You’re the one we can live without.

TINY (in a Sondheimian frenzy):

What’d I do?
What’d I say?
Why did these boys
all go away?
I tried hard to be
who they’d want me to be
though most of the time
I couldn’t help being me.
Was I too loud?
Too quiet?
Why work on the package
when there’s no one to buy it?
Am I not enough of a gay?
Not enough of a guy?
My love life’s a train wreck
so I might as well fly. . .

CHORUS OF EX-BOYFRIENDS

Parade!
Of the ex-boyfriends!
Any relationship that starts
Inevitably ends!

 

-Page 85-88
Hold me closer, (Will Grayson, Will Grayson #2)
David Levithan.

 

The Author.

 

Me Before You by Jojo Moyes

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We waited until the auditorium was empty, then I wheeled him out, down to the car park in the lift, loaded Will up without incident. I didn’t say much; my head was still ringing with the music, and I didn’t want it to fade/ I kept thinking back to it, the way that Will’s friend had been so lost in what he was playing. I hadn’t realized that music could unlock things in you, could transport you to somewhere even the composer hadn’t predicted. It left an imprint in the air around you, as if you carried its remnants with you when you went. For some time, as we sat there in the audience, I had completely forgotten Will was even beside me.

We pulled up outside the annex. In front of us, just visible above the wall, the castle sat, floodlit under the full moon , gazing serenely down from its position on the top of the hill.

“So you’re not a classical music person.”

I looked into the rearview mirror. Will was smiling.

“I didn’t enjoy that in the slightest.”

“I could tell.”

“I especially didn’t enjoy that bit near the end, the bit where the violin was singing by itself.”

“I could see you didn’t like that bit. In fact, I think you had tears in your eyes you hated it so much.”

I grinned back at him. “I really loved it,” I said. “I`m not sure I`d like all classical music, but I thought that was amazing.” I rubbed my nose. “Thank you. Thank you for taking me.”

We sat in silence, gazing at the castle. Normally, at night, it was bathed in a kind of orange glow from the lights dotted around the fortress wall. But tonight, under a full moon, it seemed flooded in an ethereal blue.

“What kind of music would they have played there, do you think?” I said. “They must have listened to something.”

“The castle? Medieval stuff. Lutes, strings. Not my cup of tea, but I`ve got some I can lend you, if you like. You should walk around the castle with it on earphones, if you really want the full experience.”

“Nah. I don’t really go to the castle.”

“It’s always the way, when you live close by somewhere.”

We sat there a moment longer, listening to the engine tick its way to silence.

“Right,” I said, unfastening my belt. “We’d better get you in. The evening routine awaits.”

“Just wait a minute, Clark.”

I turned in my seat. Will’s face was in shadow and I couldn’t quite make it out.

“Just hold on. Just for a minute.”

“Are you alright?” I found my gaze dropping toward his chair, afraid some part of him was pinched, trapped, that I had gotten something wrong.

“I`m fine. I just…”

I could see his pale collar, his dark suit jacket a contrast against it.

“I don’t want to go in just yet. I just want to sit and not have to think about…”He swallowed.

Even in the half-dark it seemed effortful.

“I just…want to be a man who has been to a concert with a girl in a red dress. Just for a few minutes more.”

I released the door handle.

“Sure.”

I closed my eyes and lay my head against the headrest, and we sat there together for a while longer, two people lost in remembered music, half hidden in the shadow of a castle on a moonlit hill.

 

  • Page 158-159
    Chapter 12
    Me before you by Jojo Moyes.

 

                                   

The author.

KETCHUP CLOUDS – ANNABEL PITCHER

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1 Fiction Road
Bath
September 17th

Dear Mr. Harris,

For once my legs aren’t digging into the tiles because I picked up my pillow before I tiptoed out of the house. I put it on top of the box and it’s quite comfy even though it’s a bit damp. I must have been seating in my dream and it was so real with the rain and the trees and the disappearing hand. I bet you’re no stranger to this so I don’t need to bang on about how terrifying it was. Probably you have nightmares all the time, like when guard turns off the light I bet you zoom right back to the moment your wife told you the truth.

Funny to think it wasn’t your wife who got you the death penalty. I didn’t understand that at first. No offence or anything. but stabbing a woman you’ve been married to for ten years sounds a whole lot worse than shooting a random neighbor who’d popped round with a mincemeat tart because it was Christmas. But then the article, which fyi  I found on google, said something about a crime of passion. When you attacked your wife, you weren’t thinking straight. You were blinded by rage and seeing so much red I bet your wife was practically scarlet, which would have been appropriate. That’s what you call a woman who’s had an affair. A scarlet woman.

In a court of American Law, acting out of anger is not as bad as killing in cold blood. When you didn’t answer the door next morning, your neighbor opened it up and strolled into your house. If you ask me, that’s bad manners, but I guess your neighbor learned her lesson when the bullet blew her brain out. Shooting a potential witness was calculating. According to the jury, you knew exactly what you were doing when you pulled the trigger and fed her tart to your dog. You went on the run for three days but the guilt got too much so you turned yourself in.

Sometimes I think I’d be better off doing that. It’s getting harder to pretend now I`m back at school. Now his mum’s sniffing around too. There I was in English with my phone in my hand, and before you say it I know I shouldn’t have been looking but I was checking the time, willing it to be lunch so I could escape with Lauren. We’re developed this routine where we grab sandwiches then hide away from the staring eyes in the music block in this room full of instruments.

  • Page 43 -44
    Ketchup Clouds by Annabel Pitcher.

 

                       

The Prince – The Selection Series(0.5) by Kiera Cass

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With no warning whatsoever, tears began streaming down Daphne’s face. I looked around the room, trying to find an explanation or solution, feeling more and more uncomfortable every moment.

“Please tell me you’re not going to follow through with this, Maxon. You can’t,” she pleaded.

“What are you talking about?” I asked desperately.

“The Selection! Please, don’t marry some stranger. Don’t make me marry some stranger.”

“I have to. That’s how it works for princes of Illea. We marry commoners.”

Daphne rushed forward, grabbing my hands. “But I love you. I always have. Please don’t marry some other girl without at least asking your father if I could be a choice.”

Loved me? Always?

I choked over words, trying to find the right place to start. “Daphne, how…I don’t know what to say.”

“Say you’ll ask your father,” she pleaded, wiping away her tears hopefully. “Postpone the Selection long enough for us to at least see if it’s worth trying. Or let me enter, too. I`ll give up my crown.”

“Please stop crying,” I whispered.

“I can’t! Not when I`m about to lose you forever.” She buried her head in her hands, sobbing quietly.

I stood there, stone-like, terrified I would make this worse. After a few tense moments, she raised her head. She spoke, staring at nothing.

“You’re the only person who really knows me. The only person I feel I truly know myself.”

“Knowledge isn’t love,” I contradicted.

“That’s not true, Maxon. We have a history together, and it’s about to be broken. All for the sake of tradition.” She kept her eyes focused on some invisible space in the centre of the room, and I couldn’t guess what she was thinking now. Clearly, I was oblivious to her thoughts in general.

Finally Daphne turned her face to me. “MAxon I beg of you, ask your father. Even if he says no, at least I`ll have done everything I could.”

Positive that I already knew this to be true, I told her what I must. “You already have, Daphne. This is it.” I held out my arms for a moment and let them drop. “This is all it could ever be.”

She held my gaze for a long time, knowing as I did that asking my father for such an outrageous request was beyond anything I could truly get away with. I saw her search her mind for an alternative path, but she quickly saw there wasn;t one. She was a servant to her crown, I was a servant to mine, and our masters would never cross.

As she nodded, her face crumpled into tears again. She wandered over to a couch and sat down, holding herself. I stayed still, hoping to not cause her any more grief. I longed to make her laugh, but there wasn’t anything funny about this. I hadn’t known I was capable of breaking a heart.

I certainly didn’t like it.

Just then I realized this was about to become common. I would dismiss thirty four women over the next few months. What if they all reacted this way?

I huffed, exhausted at the thought.

At the sound, she looked up. Slowly, the expression on her face changed.

“Doesn’t this hurt you at all?” she demanded. “You’re not that good an actor, Maxon.”

“Of course it bothers me.”

She stood, silently assessing me. “But not for the same reasons it bothers me,” she whispered. She walked across the room, her eyes pleading. “Maxon, you love me.”

I stayed still.

“Maxon,” she said more forcefully, “you love me. You do.”

I had to look away, the intensity in her eyes too bright for me. I ran a hand through my hair, trying to put whatever it was I did feel into words.

“I`ve never seen anyone express their feelings the way you just did. I have no doubt you mean every word, but I can’t do that, Daphne.”

“That doesn’t mean you don’t know how to feel it. You just have no idea how to express it. Your father can be as cold as ice, and your mother hides within herself. You’ve never seen people love freely, so you don’t know how to show it. But if you feel it; I know you do. You love me as I love you.”

Slowly, I shook my head, fearing another syllable out of my mouth would start everything up again.

“Kiss me,” she demanded.

“What?”

“Kiss me. If you can kiss me and still say you don’t love me, I`ll never mention this again.

  • PAGE 13-14
    THE PRINCE (0.5) THE SELECTION SERIES
    KIERA CASS

 

 

I`ll Give You The Sun – Jandy Nelson

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giveyouthesun

 

He keeps stopping to pick up rocks, examining them, and then either touching them back or stuffing them in his sweatshirt pocket, which is starting to sag with the weight. I stand by when he does this, wanting to ask what he’s searching for. Wanting to ask why he followed me. Wanting to ask about the telescope and if he can see the stars during the daytime. Wanting to ask where he’s from and what his name is and if he surfs and how old he is and what school he’s going to next fall. A few times I try to form a question so it sounds causal and normal, but each time the words get caught somewhere in my throat and never make it out. Finally, I give up and take out my invisible brushes and just start painting in my head. That’s when it occurs to me that maybe the rocks are weighing him down so he doesn’t rise into the air…

We walk and walk through the gray ashy dusk ans the forest starts to fall asleep. The trees lie down side by side, the creek halts, the plants sink back into the earth, the animals switch places with their shadows, and then , so do we.

When we break out of the woods onto our road, he spins around. “Holy hella shit! That’s the longest I`ve gone without talking. Like in my life! It was like holding my breath! I was having a contest with myself. Are you always like this?”

“Like what?” I say, my voice hoarse.

“Dude!” he cries, “Do you know those are  the first words you’ve said?” I didn’t. “Man, You’re like the Buddha or something. My mom’s a Buddhist. She goes to these silent retreats. She should just hang out with you instead. Oh, oh, not counting, of course, ‘I`m a bloody artist, a bloody mess, mate;” He says this last part with a heavy English accent, then cracks up.

He heard me! Talking to the trees! So much blood’s rushing and gushing to my head it might blow straight off my neck. All the silence of out walk is gurgling madly out of him now and I can tell he is someone who laughs a lot, the way it;s taking him over so easily and lighting him all up, and even though he’s laughing at me, it’s making me feel okay, accepted, and making me feel a little bubble- headed as laughter starts to fizz up in me too. I mean, it was supremely funny,me yammering away in an English accent all alone like that, and then he says it again, his accent super- thick, “I`ma  bloody artist,” and then I say, “A bloody mess mate,” and something gives way and I`m laughing outright and he says it again, and I do, and then we’re both really laughing, then the doubled- over kind, and it’s ages before we calm down, because each time one of us does, the other says, “`m a bloody mess, mate,” and the whole thing starts all over again.

When we finally get it back together, I realize I have no idea what just happened to me. Nothing like this has ever happened before. I feel like I just flew or something.

He points to my pad. “So I guess you just talk in there, is that it?”

“Pretty much,” I say. We’re under a streetlamp and I`m trying not to stare but it’s hard. I wish the world would stick like a clock so I could look at him for as long as I want. There’s something going on in his face right now, something very bright trying to get out- a dam keeping back a wall of light. His soul might be a sun. I`ve never met anyone who had the sun for a soul.

– Page 88-89-90.
I`ll give you the sun, Jandy Nelson

 

Jandy Nelson talking about her book.